I have noticed that it has become very popular
with celebrities and performers to do
blogs on their
websites in which they tell you in great detail about their
life. As to not
be left out I have decided to jump aboard.
Unfortunately I don't type very fast so my
blog entries
will be very limited. You can check out the archived blogs below.
Enjoy!!!
January 1 Happy New
Year! My New Year's Resolution is to blog more.
February 3 So much for
that New Years Resolution.
February 14 Valentines Day is a busy day for a guy in
a red suit. Everybody wants a
piece of the big red love machine.
February 17 I am doing my
shopping for next Valentines Day now because you
can get stuff for 50% off. I hope my girlfriend next year likes the
shirt
that
I got her that says "Happy Valentines Day 2007"
February
19 Britney Spears who used to be my number 1 candidate for future
ex-wife
of Adam Ace has shaved her head. She has lost her mind. I
never thought
the day would come when I said I would rather marry Christina
Aguilera.
Oh how the mighty have fallen. I don't even return Britney's calls
anymore.
February 21 Britney has checked herself
into rehab. I have also entered into
rehab.
Rehab
to help cure myself of my addiction to Cottage Cheese. It is out of
control. I have a problem. Just to be clear though, it is not
the kind of
cottage
cheese
on the back of womans thighs, it is the kind that you put on bagels.
March 7 The after
effects of Britney going into Rehab and my cottage cheese
addiction
have caused me to lose my passion for blogging.
April
18 I have decided
that the blogging thing is way over rated and I am now going to
recommit
all
of my time I used to use on blogging to my true passion......needlepoint.
May
22 I have been advised by
my doctors I need to take a break from needlepoint as I am
in the early stages of carpel tunnel, they have allowed me however to blog
once
in a while.
June
11 Paris Hilton is in
jail, Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, Britney Spears is still kind
of
bald
and crazy.......what is a guy to do........does anyone have the number of
either of the Olsen Twins? Please email.
DECEMBER
December 4 After all the drama
with the ladies from last month, needless to say they were
all very disappointed, I have had to go into hiding. I have been
placed in the
witness protection program.
December
7 I am in hiding and have limited
internet access.
December 11 They found
me......I don't know how but they found me.
December
20 Not much else happened this month, Christmas and all
that stuff.
I am preparing for the onslaught of gifts from all the ladies.
That will occupy most of my time so I will check back in next year.
NOVEMBER
November 7 This could be the
single greatest day in the history of the world. This is better
than
the time in 8th grade when Becky Simpson bent over to pick up her pencil in
geogrphy
class
and I saw her bra. It was announced today that finally Miss
Britney Spears,
my
future
ex-wife has come to her senses and gotten rid of that worthless waist of
flesh
husband of hers and filed for divorce
from Kevin Federline. I hate to say I told you
so
but this is gonna be just like Reese Witherspoon, Britney will come
calling and
crying
to me about the mistake she made and that I am the greatest sexiest
man that
has
ever walked the planet and that we need to be together. And
this time I may
just
have to say "You're Right" we should be together. I look forward to
becoming
Mr. Britney Spears #2. And look for our duet to be
released sometime next spring
entitled "Crazy and Sexy.......in Love"
November
8 Britney's people have already called
requesting that we get
together.
I
have not called back yet because I am playing hard to get.
November 9 Another call from the Britney
camp. I am still playing hard to get.
November
11 A call, an email, a text message and a myspace message
from
Britney's
people. She wants me bad.
November 13 Britney
posts a new blog on her website stating that she has a new
man she is in love with. I can read between the lines, it's me.
November 15 Things have really gotten
interesting now. Reese Witherspoon has filed for
divorce
and now her people have called and entered her name into the future
Mrs. Adam Ace contest. Things are really getting interesting now.
November 17 I have gotten back to Reese
and Britney's people and told them I
am
weighing
my options and will get back to them
soon.
It is a big decision.
November 21
Things have really gotten out of hand now. Pamela Anderson is
now getting
divorced and yes, you guessed it, her people have called. My, my, my
what is a man to do? Three superstar celebrity women who all want
a piece of me, the big red love machine. I am just gonna have
no choice
but to break two of their hearts. I will try to let them down easy.
November 23 I had to tell a bit of a
lie and let all of the girls know that I couldnt be with them
on Thanksgiving because I was called away to do a show for the people of
Botswana because they are in need of laughter. I think they bought it
and I
think it helped that none of them had ever heard of Botswana.
November
28 After much debate in the decision of who is it
gonna be, Reese, Britney or
Pamela. I have decided..................to go
with..............nobody. Here is why.
It's just not fair to the other women of the world. If I were to settle
down
with
Britney or Pamela or Reese that would disappoint so many
woman
throughout the world, it would just be too cruel. I want all of the lovely
ladies
of
the world to think that they have a chance with me. And what would
happen
if other big time superstar celebrity women got divorced, like if Angelina and
Brad
broke up, or Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, or Julia Roberts or Gwen Stefani.
If they got divorced then I would obviously be one of their first choices and I
want
to allow them to think they have a chance. It is just my way of giving
back.
OCTOBER
October 2nd I shaved
my chest hair today into the words "I KNOW" so
that
now when I look in the mirror and say "You are sexy!" it will be
like
body is responding to me by saying "I KNOW"
October
7th Thinking about trying to clone myself so
that I can do more shows
for
all
of the fans out there
October
9th Heard back from the cloning
people, it would be very expensive, plus
they said there was no way they could replicate my cracking voice.
Oh well.
October 12th Did a show for
people who didnt speak english, they still laughed
at
me
but I think for the wrong reasons.
October
14th Lost my cell phone.
October
15th Found my cell phone, it had accidentally
fallen in my underpants.
If I changed my underpants more than every other day I would
have
found it
sooner.
October
18th Accidentally called a girl "Fatty
McFatterson", she punched me in the face.
October
21st Got offered to do some modeling fruit of the
loom, they wanted me to be
the
guy
in the grapes costume.
October 24th Did a
show for 19 people tonight but they were laughing so loud it
sounded like there were 37 people there. It was
awesome.
October
27th Signed some autographs after the show
tonight, well, I filled out a police
report, but I had to sign it, and it was after the show, so it still counts.
October 28th Someone asked me
why the ladies call me "The Big Red Love
Machine"
and I said "because I am big, I am red and I am a love machine
baby!!"
October 30th Found out Reese
Witherspoon is getting divorced!!!! You know what that means.
It's only a matter of time before she comes calling the Aceman, to cry on
my shoulder
about how she shouldn't have been with me all the time, and she made a huge
mistake
and how she just needs a guy who can make her laugh and be nice
to her and who
has an amazingly fit, pasty white body to protect her. I have heard
it a thousand
times.
But
the name Reese Ace does have a nice ring to it.
October
31st Walked out of my hotel to go to my show and
a bunch of kids complimented me
on my halloween costume. I then told them that I wear a red suit,
leotard and
thong
all
the time. They laughed and then ran away.
SEPTEMBER
September 2nd I went and bought a new fanny pack today.
Fanny Packs rule!!!!
September 4th Woke up and decided I
wanted to change careers and become
an
algebra teacher, then realized I don't know how to do algebra and
decided to stick with being a comedian.
September 7th Went on a
date today. With a girl!!!!!!!!!!!
September 10th Burnt
myself on the curling iron today. It is a lot harder to
curl armpit hair than I thought.
September
15th I got a zit today. I bought it at the store,
it used to belong to a
guy named Zach.
September 21st Thought about
trying internet dating today. But then decided
that I really didnt want to date the internet. I'm just not much
into
computers.
September 24th Overslept and missed my
flight. Had to hire a hot air ballon to
take me to my show.
September 26th Did a show, got some
laughs, went to Taco Bell.
A perfect day.
September 29th Got attacked by a rabid monkey
after my show who
mistook
me for a large bananna.
AUGUST
August 19th Not much happened
today
August
20th Got a paper cut as I was
signing autographs after
my
show.
August
21st Slept in
August 22nd Went to get a haircut. Did you know they
charge
extra for big spiky hair?
August 23rd Had the day off. Decided to try
yoga. Will never try
that
again.
August
24th Went to an orphanage to
volunteer to do some work
with the kids. They turned me down.
August 25th Had dinner at Chilis. The waitress asked
me what
I
wanted to order. I said "I want my baby back, baby
back,
baby
back, I want my baby back baby back baby
back,
Chili's Baby Back Ribs!!" She was not amused.
August
26th Spent the day at
the mall shopping for a new leotard.
When the salesperson asked me who it was for, I
said
"a
girl I know who is the exact same size
as me". I don't think he believed me.
August
27th Looked in the mirror for an hour and a half
today
repeating the line "I am the big
red love machine and
the
ladies
love me" over and over again.
August 28th Put a dollar in a soda machine and hit the Coke
button
and it gave me sprite. I hate that.
August 29th Did a show. People Laughed.
Nice.
August 30th Had a great show and then
afterwards was attacked by a
midget, sorry, little person. That is the same mistake I
made during the
show.